Don’t whack that mosquito!

Conflict Management: Mastering the Art of Peaceful Resolution

Oct 29, 2023

Hey Friends,

How often do you find yourself at odds with a family member or a co-worker? You hear the other side and sometimes want to pull your hair out? - that probably explains why I lost all my hair since I started working over a decade and a half ago.

Countless debates and discussions with lots of people that have had varying perspectives and opinions which sometimes makes you want to throw something at them, but you can’t.

In the heat of the moment you say things that you probably don’t mean or get too caught up in “winning” an argument at the cost of a friendship or a mutually beneficial outcome. I’ve often seen that sometimes its the contest of who gets the last word in.

Finding a path through conflicts is an unavoidable part of our social and professional lives. Whether at home or the workplace, understanding how to diffuse tension and find common ground can make all the difference.

I have over the course of my career had many situations where I have had conflicts with peers in my own team or other teams, with teams sitting halfway across the world who have no idea of circumstances that are real to me, and even with stakeholders who I’ve had to interact with on regular basis.

I try to summarize some of my experiences and things that have worked for me. Many of these I have gained through lessons and learnings, and reflecting back there are occasions where I could probably have done things differently without giving up on my core identity or my natural personality driven approach.

Today, let's explore some tried-and-tested skills and strategies for managing conflicts effectively.

Understanding the Importance of Conflict Management

An arrow that has left the bow cannot be stopped till it finds a target, similarly things that have been said cannot be taken back, you can only apologize for your error.

There have been situations where you get too caught up in the outcome of what you want to achieve that sometimes your mission to achieve that outcome, leaves a trail of devastation behind. I am guilty of this on numerous occasions and upon reflection, I could probably have dealt with some of those situations differently.

Unresolved conflict may wreak havoc on relationships and lead to frustration and anxiety. However, it has the potential to spur development, increased awareness, and novel approaches if approached in a positive manner.

I have tried to break this down into personal scenarios and work related scenarios. While there are occasions where you could use the same approach, I believe you should have the ability to draw the line so as to not to get too deeply emotional about the work element as there are much more stakeholders involved.

Conflict Management at Home

This is the more difficult of the situations in my personal opinion. The time at home or with your close friends is your personal space, your place of zen. This is the space where you can say whatever you want to say without having to apologize for your opinions.

But occasionally this is also where handling conflicts can get tricky because these are people who have history with you and are close to you because you mean something to them.

Here are some things to consider:

Approach sensitive topics that could lead to conflict from a standpoint of understanding - If you know something is going to upset people close to you, then try to approach it with some amount of care and compassion.
Be an active listener - usually, this is all it takes. I am by nature quite impatient and for me it takes a fair amount of trying to slow myself down and listening so that I can get better at managing conflicts.
Practice empathy and strive to see things from the other person’s perspective - This is not always easy and can aggravate circumstances if you don’t reign yourselves in. We get so caught up in our personal point of view and getting our “piece” across that we ignore how the receiver may perceive it.
Compromise where possible – it’s not about 'winning'. Learn to let go of battles not worth fighting. Most friendships and relationships crash and burn because of this one element. People get into the discussion with the aim of winning the argument at whatever cost only to realize over the long term that the price is quite heavy if it means losing a friendship or a relationship.
Seek professional help if necessary - Nothing wrong or taboo about asking people for advice especially if you see yourself consistently making mistakes in managing conflicts.

Conflict Management at Work

Managing conflicts at work is a little more easier if you are able to not take things too personally. This is, however, easier said than done. We pour our hearts and minds into things that we do and sometimes when our work gets critiqued or challenged, it triggers an emotional response.

The skill to manage that response only gets better when you are self-aware. This is especially true if you want to build your career and climb the corporate ladder. The sooner you realize that getting support around your ideas is as important as the idea itself, the easier the journey can be. This is also crucial for people looking to become leaders - getting people behind an idea and getting a follower-ship is important.

We all come from different backgrounds, experiences, and belief systems. The workspace is a melting pot of these different dynamics and this could also lead to differences in opinions and perspectives that lead to potential conflict.

With Peers

The people you work closely with will always have opinions about what you do in the team especially if they are recipients or contributors to the same work. This is where there is a likelihood for conflicts to arise but it can be avoided through the below:

Be transparent and clear with your communication - no assumptions or leaving the door open for guesswork. If people have to assume, then probably the message is not clear enough.
Show respect and appreciation for every individual's work and skills. Appreciating the work of another individual does not diminish your own efforts and in fact, goes a long way in building that camaraderie.
Seek a common goal that focuses on the overall success of the team rather than personal achievements. If the effort is completed through the efforts of the team then call out those people and acknowledge their contributions. This is so easy to do, but people get too lost in explaining their own contributions which may seem to minimize the efforts of others.

With Seniors

Resolving disagreements with seniors can be quite challenging due to the power dynamics. You need to be able to manage conflicts with people who are senior to you without being seen as arrogant or unreasonable. This is a crucial skill as you try to level up and grow the ranks.

Here are some practical ways that could help:

Respectfully communicate your thoughts and feelings without becoming argumentative - It's okay to defend your ideas and thoughts, but doing it with respect is important. Appreciate that their role is to challenge you on your ideas and yours is to defend them without seeming headstrong or arrogant
Be open to feedback and willing to see from their perspective - The seniors are in those positions because they have some experiences or skills that they have been recognized for. While there may be situations where they happen to be in the position for other reasons, it is always good to get their feedback and see it from a different lens. Whether you accept that feedback is entirely up to you and your level of evidence/ conviction on why you feel differently, but being open is necessary.
Strive for solutions that align the interests of both parties - This is the hallmarks of great leadership. Getting seniors to see your way, and to find common areas of progress is essential to any conflict.

Finding the Win-Win

It is when a mosquito lands on your “nose” that you realize there is a way to solve problems without using violence - Confucius

Keeping this PG-13 so replace the “nose” with what you think it might be 😏.

If you use this approach at work, more than likely you would be able to find compromises and even win-win alternatives.

The art of conflict management is where both sides feel like they have left the table with some kind of a win-win scenario - a resolution where all parties believe their interests have been respected and addressed. This is as true for discussions in meeting rooms and living room as it is for board rooms and political chambers.

Embrace open and honest communication while being sensitive to the hot buttons and trigger points for the other party.
Avoid making assumptions or passing judgments - This is dangerous to conflict management and hence finding clarity and being open to alternatives and options is very important
Prioritize the relationship over the issue - A no-brainer, no issue should be at the expense of a relationship. There may be very few situations where the issue at hand is worth so much more that people are willing to sacrifice a relationship - I usually see these circumstances play out in politics and governments especially when there is a space to defend their borders as is the situation playing out live in the world today. I presume that on a lower scale of our daily lives, we are not confronted with similar drastic choices and outcomes.

The Cheat Sheet

Here’s a handy cheat sheet to guide you through those uncomfortable moments of conflict:

Stay calm and composed - I recommend keeping a smile and sharing a friendly demeanor
Understand the other person's viewpoint - Listen and understand to comprehend, not to respond.
Clearly express your needs/expectations - Honesty and openness without using confusing language that may lead to assumptions is a good step in being able to get to a path of resolution
Collaboratively brainstorm possible solutions - Find common points of agreement and work your way up from there.
Decide on the best win-win solution - Find the limits and extent to which the Win- Win can be maximized.
Implement the agreed-upon solution - Once you hit the balance in agreement, then proceed to execute on what has been agreed. The execution should be aligned with what was agreed, else further conflicts may arise.

Conclusion

Conflict is necessary for growth and development. If we don’t have conflicts then we have not explored enough alternatives to find a better way forward. Accepting the status quo is more dangerous than engaging in topics and discussions that could lead to conflict.

I have happily been exposed to many conversations where my leaders would always start the conversation with “ I would like to provoke you with xxx” or “if i can play Devil’s advocate then xxx”. These situations allow for some dialogue that can get heated but cutting through the conflict and arriving at the other of that discussion brings all of us to a greater understanding of whatever topic we discussed.

Employing these tools at the right times can avoid conflicts. If already in conflict then we can transform disagreements into opportunities to find mutual ground and respect for each other in resolving those conflicts.

Familiarize yourself with these tactics and strategies; it's time to use friction and conflict as an opportunity and a springboard for development!

Hope you enjoyed the article this week! Please do give it a like and share it with your friends.

By George!

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